I got more advice yall. I mean why shouldn’t you get as much as you can from a sex therapist, right? So, here we go again. This is the second post in honor of some of the clients I see. A week or two ago, I did a post on how to get through when you just broke up with someone. You can read that HERE. Today we are moving on to those who aren’t sure if the person they are with, is the person they should be with. In other words, those who feel stuck and aren’t sure how to move forward.
Sort of like Ariel in The Little Mermaid, you could be tryna figure out if the partner you chose (or the one who chose you) is the right fit. But instead of the classic gif:
Yours might be more like, “I love them, I love them not.” OR even more confusing: “I love them, but do we work” Should I stay or should I go.
To the point of frustration: “I don’t know if I am with the right person. I feel stuck!”
But let’s talk about why you feel stuck. The answer to that is pretty simple FEAR! It’s a key piece that no one ever wants to talk about. Talking about what you are scared of, for some, makes it that much more real. The thing is though, it doesn’t seem that keeping your fears to yourself is helping. You are still dating in fear, being with unsuitable people in your fear, and basically letting what scares you run your life. Acknowledged or not, fear is winning. Just like you don’t have to be scared to get your butt whooped, you also don’t have to acknowledge what scares you for it to still run your life!
Folk talk a lot about FOMO-- fear of missing out-- but try to make is sound baseless. The thing is that experiencing FOMO probably happens more often than we like to admit. Missing out on a good party or vacation is one thing, it can be easier, in a sense, for some people to get over that. They will make adjustments, plan differently and make sure that they go to the next one. Some people will express that they wish they hadn't missed out, and make sure they are financially prepared the next go round, and actually go. But FOMO can also apply to people.
We are scared that the person we are with, who may be lackluster overall, may actually be our one true soulmate. We are worried that if we leave this person, we will have missed our opportunity to get that “Happily Ever After.” It’s the fear that has most people stuck, not knowing what they “should” do in a relationship. YOU ALREADY KNOW! You know that the relationship you have is not the one you want to be experiencing. You know that the person you are with doesn’t quite fit. You know that you should exit stage left, but you are scared of what is beyond. You are scared of not being in a relationship when society has told you again and again, as a woman--and as a woman of color especially-- that your worth lies in your ability to get and keep a partner. That you must reach for the moon and hopefully land among the stars. When your worth is tied up in having a relationship, the person you are actually with seems to matter a little less. You are willing to compromise a little more. And before you know it, you’re in THE WORST relationship you could have ever dreamed for yourself. Maybe it is not a physically abusive relationship, maybe it’s not “abusive” in any traditional way. Maybe it's that person who cheats or lies, or otherwise is not worthy of your time. Maybe it’s the type of relationship that has you loosing piece after piece of yourself and what you actually want. Maybe it’s the relationship and partner who is not equally yoked, and who you have to pour into but they could never help to replenish you. Isn’t that abusive enough? How much worse can it get when you lose yourself to have a partner?
Some steps you can take:
Acknowledge the fear that underlies your willingness to stay
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP! You do need to acknowledge what you actually want to be getting. When you know what you want, talk to your partner about it. See how you could change up those dynamics either on your own or with a relationship coach or therapist. You might be able to get what you want with the person you are with!
If you have tried, and put forth your best effort but aren’t seeing the fruits that you need, consider that you may need to...LEAVE! I am not sure how you would be serving them or yourself by staying in a relationship you will grow to resent or hate. Weigh the pros and cons. Explore the emotions that come up for you, and act accordingly. Sometimes its can help to talk it out with a friend but is probably better with an unbiased professional. Enlist the help you need. You don’t have to go it alone.
As always, my services on the long or short term are available to you. Hit THIS LINK to get on my therapy calendar OR THIS LINK to have a discovery call with me. What would you discover? You would discover if you would like to work with me in a more long term capacity. LOL. I’ll be back with a new blog post next week!