Chloe Bailey, Treat Me: A Discussion of Sexuality & Respectability
Treat me single cover picture
Respectability politics abound and the white supremacist delusion in your bedroom is no different.
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Chloe Bailey recently dropped her newest single “Treat Me” along with a music video. Well, the chaste police have spoken and have found great problem with the music video and, for some, the song and style of singing as well. TikTok is full of comments including:
“You are too good to turn out like this”
“It feels awkward”
“Meanwhile Halle hasn’t lost her senses yet, she still carries herself well”
“Too much, too soon Just want to see a beautiful young lady with talent but classy”
“Not sure all this was necessary”
“Pretty tasteless”
“You’re gorgeous without doing all that”
“The industry ruined her”
😪 Sometimes people don’t even recognize their own misogynoir.
Women in general, Black women specifically, are often thrust into either/or categories, which strip us of the nuance of life. With Black singers/entertainers specifically we say that either they are talented, chaste-ish women OR they are gauche people, who must be using all of their sexuality and their body because they don’t have any “real” talent.
Enter “the problem”: Chloe’s Sexual Nature
Or rather, your viewing of Chloe’s sexual nature as the problem. The thing is, since folk can’t say that Chloe is using her body to distract from the talent we already know she has; they have been moved to comments that, instead, imply woeful naivete and an immorality that her use of sexuality is going about things “in the wrong way” and that either she doesn’t know she is being used by the industry people around her, or otherwise, needs to find the mind she lost. Folk are out here giving unsolicited advice, or using various shame tactics to say her sexual expression is wrong, “uncomfortable and awkward” or somehow, beneath her and her talent. That she shakes her ass and puts on musical performances which display her sexuality, ends up being seen as some trifle cry for attention which covers up the only “real” asset that doesn’t make us uncomfortable; her voice. The looming presence of her sexuality has been instead viewed as a mishandling of her vocal talent, a diminishing of her goodness, and a robbing of her “innocence” in light of ass shaking, sultry singing, and bodily awareness and appreciation. Allow me to hit you with a headline:
She’s Grown!!!
I know, hard to believe. But Chloe is not the 12-15 year old you first saw singing covers with her sister on YouTube. She is an adult, and like many adults who have been in the industry when they were children, she is finding her own way to shed the innocent script you have foisted on her that would keep her suspended in so-called “15 year old innocence” forever. I am sure if we think back to some of what we were doing, wearing, etc. at the age of 15-22, we would also see our own metamorphosis. The difference is that while you may only have needed to fight against the “little girl” your caregivers and close relatives still saw, she (likely) has to fight with her caregivers, the industry, and all of you.
Furthermore, I would add that this sexual debut is very much akin to the same energy that gave us Janet Jackson’s Control and Beyonce’s Dangerously in Love albums, both of which also occurred around the same age, early 20s. It is not lost on me that many of you may have come across these albums as adults or otherwise grew up with them, saw them as revolutionary, and somewhere along the way became just like some the of the folk who came before you and decided sexuality is something you can only have after you are attached(to a man) or when “grown.”
And for me, that’s part of the point. Too many of us are more comfortable with Black women’s sexuality being on display when there is clearly a cis-male or masculine benefactor to said sexuality. Because if a woman is attached to a man, then she is not “out of control,” a whore, or awkward. We imagine that this masculine energy gives “permission” for the sexuality we see, and that makes it okay.
Some of you are also wrapped up in the idea that this wasn’t how she wanted to display herself, but rather how the industry is using her. The industry and powers that be “use” a great many of us. Women are often brainwashed to think of themselves and sexuality only in service to others. We are the treat or reward for a man who is “nice enough.” But here is something for you to consider, what if there is not a lecherous old white man behind the scenes dictating what she should do? What if this is how she has decided that she would like to display herself? Why are we so offended when a Black woman decides that they want to own their sexuality? Could it be because Black women's bodies have been commodified for other people's enjoyment and thus we have continued to code it that way? Is it because of misogynoir? Is it because we continue to see sexuality, especially Black women’s sexuality through a deficit model bathed in the white supremacist cis-male delusionist gaze which we shun with the bright light of respectability politics?
Respectability Politics Have No Place in Sexuality; otherwise, does your sexuality really belong to you?
No really, consider that. How do you know your sexuality is for and about you if you have not defined it for yourself? Could it be that your discomfort with Chloe’s sexuality is really a projection of the discomfort you have with your own? Could it be that you have been so far into the performance of your gender, of your race, of how sexuality is “supposed to look” on a good Black Christian girl who wants to be married, that you have not explored what it might mean for you to be YOU in all the ways you would show up? Is there a longing for the you that you could have been if you were not boxed in by those in positions of power to define and keep defining who you are for you?
I ask these questions without a hint of jest or ridicule because for many people, just the idea that you can define yourself for yourself without worrying about who would be hurt, upset, or worrying about how you would be received by others, is a foreign concept. Women and Black folk are taught to change who they are to cater to the men and white people who are in positions of power. What is respectability politics, as we know it, other than a way for us to make ourselves smaller so people who assume power feel bigger? The problem isn’t necessarily that we Black folk choose to engage in the code switching behavioral set– because it is also a tool for survival for many of us, the problem is when we take our very personal thoughts and beliefs and make them required canon for other people. We sit on the high horse of pretending, exhausted and disconnected from ourselves, and judge people who are in touch with themselves, at the very least in touch enough to know they want to explore all the areas that they were told are off limits or would make them immorally bankrupt.
Maybe Chloe is wearing a sexual persona; maybe she's being herself, sexual and all, but either way, she is doing such a great job of the performance and displaying of her various talents and sexuality, that we are talking about her at all. There is a braveness in showing up regardless of the people around you with judgment and condemnation on their lips. Besides, it's…
Age Appropriate Sexual Exploration
Parents don’t raise children, you raise those who will be adults. The raising and guiding is not meant to be a straightjacket forcing only your views, but to lovingly allow a young person–who will be independent of you one day, to learn how to know themselves in a changing world and body. Hopefully to love them through the choices and changes that they make. To not take things personally when they choose a way that is contrary to what you taught them. After all, when we choose to give advice, it is still the responsibility of the recipient to choose if, when, and how they are going to apply the whole or any portion of that advice.
I know that some of you would like to believe that sexuality shouldn't be a thought or action until there is an exchanging of vows and a throwing of rice…or for my Yoruba people, until the aso ebi has been worn and the bride price negotiated. You might think so, but you would be wrong. Chloe Bailey is 23 years old. This is a time of her transition from later adolescence to early adulthood. However, the point is that at this age and stage of her life, she is internalizing her own morality, making a choice for herself about her career, exploring her autonomy, which means that she should be exploring and trying out her own role. She is gonna try things out. I would also add that when someone holds you to one thing and you finally wrest free, the pendulum can swing in the extreme opposite direction before it settles into a spot that feels good and comfortable for where you are at any given stage of life. For me and most folk who study human behavior, this means she is right on track. She is just more public about the things you got to try out in private. We are along for the ride as long as we choose to engage– not just with her, but with any artist as they move through life, learning new things, and trying them out.
So I say this with love: Chloe Bailey makes the decisions about what she's going to do with her body, just as you can make decisions about yours, because it belongs to her. Your consumption of it does not (and should not) dictate her recipe. If you don't like the way McDonald's fries taste, take your ass to Wendy's.