Self Care with a (2020) Vision: 3 steps to avoiding the Superwoman Self Sacrifice Death Trap
Here we are, embarking upon the New Year, and I want to remind you that the only way you will be able to do the things you want to do in 2020 is by taking care of YOU.
As I'm writing this I'm actually pre-surgery which has caused me to be really reflective on this. For those of you who don't know, I've got fibroids. Apparently, it's a mundane thing that many Black women have, but it's something that's not mundane in the way that I live it. I've been living with a certain level of discomfort and pain for well over a year. These fibroids put my Black ass in the hospital about 2 years ago-- I needed 3 bags of blood and a bag of iron because all of my levels were so low. I remember not being able to walk across my living room floor without being tired. Needing to take rests to go upstairs to my room. But, all of this is to say that self-care is SUPER IMPORTANT! It often gets lost in all the things we have going on in our lives, the things that require our more immediate attention, and we feel like we can just continue to put ourselves on the back burner. Black folk, especially Black women women, I need you to listen up:
The superwoman narrative is a death sentence!! The idea that you should be all things to all people, taking care of everyone except ourselves, constantly and consistently is detrimental to our entire wellbeing. It’s not good for our mental health, physical health, sexual health, and it's definitely not good for the relationships we are trying to cultivate. To have ourselves on the back burner and paying no attention to ourselves doesn't reward us in any way. So, I wanted to discuss self-care in 3 not-so-easy steps. (I limited it to 3 steps because I feel like any more and ya'll not about to do this work.) So, let's try 3 steps first!
1. True Self - Care Requires Reflection on What's Going On & Your Life Circumstances
We have to know where we are in the world, in the space that we occupy. I want you to think about what's going on with you health wise. And not just your physical health because it's very easy to just concentrate on if our bodies feel okay. But, does your mind feel okay? Are you running in a space where you are constantly living in fear, anxiety, depression? Are you obsessed with seeking perfection?
(The therapist in me really only focused on anxiety and depression because that's what all those things come back down to.)
Anyway, knowing where you are in your health, your monetary wealth, your relationships, at your job, and even in society, is essential. If you are a Black person, I’m sure you know where you stand because we as Black folk have to think about that stuff all the time. Where we're going, who's going to be there, our level of safety. These are part of things that help us to plan for and have successful self-care routines and regimens. So a part of the work I need you to do includes taking the time to really reflect on what's going on in your life, right here, right now.
So, I want you to pick the top 3 things that are going on in your life, so you can figure out where you are in that shit.
2. Remove the Capitalistic Lense and Remember That Self-Care Is Mundane
Many of us think of self-care as what you do whenever you can afford it. Like going to somebody's spa and dropping $500 on massages, facials, pedicures, and manicures. Those things are awesome, but they aren't necessary to practice self-care. Self-care is super mundane. From my standpoint as a Black sex therapist who lives this life and tries to practice what she preaches, that mundane self-care looks like me asking:
"Did you brush your teeth this morning?"
"Did you take a shower?"
"Did you wash your hair?"
"Did you use the restroom when you actually had to go or did you hold it?"
These things are some of the most super mundane pieces of self-care ever. If you want to step it up a level, ask yourself how do you feel when you go to work? Is your job conducive to your mental health or do you need to be checking Indeed so you can move on and find something better?
Mundane self-care looks like realizing you can't have a conversation with a certain person right now, so you won't. It looks like telling people what your boundaries are and maintaining them. That's mundane. Mundane is doing the dishes at your house, clearing your space, it's setting time to spend alone, in peace. And please note that none of the things I just listed cost a dime, at least not outside of the ordinary. Eating breakfast, brushing your teeth, washing your ass, doing some laundry - these things are mundane self-care. And when we do these mundane things, especially with intention, we are living a life where self-care is a regular practice and not just a thing when we have $500 to blow at somebody's spa or a couple thousand for a vacation.
3. Make Self-Care a Goal and Plan It Out
When you write out what it is you need to be doing, when you plan it out on your calendar, and give yourself space to execute it, you increase your chances of it actually happening. It’s more likely to happen because it's in your calendar, everyone knows about it (we don’t move in silence as much as accountability), and you already requested days off. Now I’ma give you some of my damn business because I know that most people can't seem to mind theirs anyway.
Part of my plan for 2020 is to spend more time with my husband to be, with my family, my friends, and ultimately with myself. I need alone time and I know I can't do any of those things if I continue to work the way I did in 2019. So I have actually quartered out my year. I have already decided what I'm doing in quarters 1,2, 3, and 4. I’ve already chosen the days I am taking off and planned what I’m going to do in those days. Some of them are just for me and I’ve decided to plan a staycation, spend time with bae, and others will be spent with my friends and family. Regardless of where I am, it is planned out and I know what I'm going to be doing.
For example: I know I'm not going to work on my birthday in 2020 because I remember how it felt working on my bday in 2019. So I'm taking off the day before, the day of, and the day after. That shit is officially a holiday moving forward. And you know what I'm going to do - take myself on a solo dolo vacation. I'm going to do something for me, by me. And despite what my finances look like - I’m going to open to all the possibilities.
I want you to be open to the possibilities of what you can do, too. I want you to take the time to plan and make self-care for the new year more than extravagant trips, spa days, and make it a daily health practice where you make shit happen.
I believe personally that you can plan for anything that you want, self-care, good sex, nice relationships, whatever it is I believe you can plan for it all. And if you believe like I believe, but need help, then you can head on over to annodright.com/webinars , click on that Goal Planning Webinar, and get to work. Your life is waiting, and being able to live the life you want tomorrow can be very much dictated by how you plan today.