Whose Life You Living: Doing Vs. Being
If you follow me on Instagram you know that I am constantly reminding my people that they are enough! I remind them that there is nothing they can do to prove their worth and they shouldn’t feel like they need to. When you start trying to prove your value and worth you’ll find yourself doing instead of being.
Let me break it down:
To do - to change your behavior and act based on what you think those around you expect of you
To be- to be your full authentic self, no matter who’s around or where you are
For Black folk, one of the cruxes of being versus doing is that white people have been allowed to BE their value in this world. In a Eurocentric society white people don’t have to prove their value or their worth, not through the work of their bodies, through the works of their mind, but simply by existing they have value. And within this society, white men have created a tiered value system in which they are favored and are allowed to be in a way that white women are not. White women must prove their worth in a patriarchal society by their willingness to submit to men either at home or in office settings. Now, if white women suffer from this, you can only imagine what Black people have to go through.
Black people have never been allowed to be PERIOD because we lack whiteness. As people who lack whiteness it is been our burden to prove our worth in this white supremacist, patriarchal society. Black men don't have to prove their worth based on being a man, but they do have to prove it because they are Black. While they still have to fight to prove their value, they have less to prove, in a sense of what their value is in this type of system. Black women, on the other hand are fighting a two sided battle of proving their value both as a Black person and as a woman. People of color and women have not been allowed to be in the same way that white men have been able to be. We have the burden of proving our value to those in power, BUT we don’t need to!
We are valuable people. We are valuable because we are. We are valuable because we exist. This is a concept I'm constantly coming back to in therapy. This idea of doing vs being. I'm doing my hardest to try and teach Black people especially Black women just to BE. That there is no amount of work you can do to prove your value. There is no amount of money that you can have that is going to prove your value or add to your value. There is no amount of laziness that will subtract from your value. You are a valuable person. If all you do for the rest of today is breathe and eat, baby you are valuable. And you are allowed the space to breathe and be. (Side note: I require the breathing part, because you know, if you're not breathing you're probably dying and that's not cool.)
Another reason we talk about being vs doing is because when we are “doing,” we are likely performing. Judith Butler, spoke about gender performativity in her book Gender Trouble (and in the linked youtube video). Now that we are on the same page about performing and performativity, let’s take it out of the context of only performing gender. Why? Because often when we perform one thing, we perform a whole lot of other things. We are performing what it means to be a valuable member of society, a valuable family member, a valuable coworker, and a valuable person. We're constantly trying to prove ourselves worthy and valuable to the people who get to interact with us, forgetting that they are lucky to interact with us. Instead of showing and trying to prove to them that we are worthy of their interaction with us, while that is noble, it's unnecessary. You are valuable because you are. Period. This means that the constant putting on or performing you partake in only takes you away from who you are because you are trying to perform what you think you must do in any given setting.
We perform Blackness in a way we think we're supposed to perform --especially in the presence of certain Black people. We perform what we think it means to be feminine or masculine. We perform what it means to be professional and we often don't stop to consider that this performing or doing that we do day in and day out, depending on where we are, is still often times very much based in Eurocentric standards.
For example, we are expected to be "professional" which means being professional in a certain way. You have to dress a certain way, carry yourself a certain way, speak a certain way. And a lot of these things are based in classism and racism. Because to say that someone needs to wear a 3 piece suit in order for them to do their job is classist because if you cannot afford a 3 piece suit does that mean that you are incapable of doing the job? No. If you're hair is blue, purple, green, or yellow, does that mean that you are incapable of putting forth the effort to do the work at hand? No.
Your hair didn't go to school, your clothes didn't go to school. Your hair and your clothes are not going to perform the job, they may aid you in the job or they may detract from you doing your job but certainly there's no reason to require people to wear a 3 piece suit to show their professionalism when they're going to mop. We expect people to dress for the job that they want. We say that type of thing as though you're dressing is what's going to actually get you there. Or as though it should be the thing that gets you there, and that's where I would say we need to work on our own internalized elitism and our own silenced shame that we're poor now but we will not be poor later. And because we will not be poor later we want to make sure we give way and keep the rules in place. So we follow the rules so that when we get there one day we're able to enforce the rules on others. This is a hazing process y'all. And this behavior, this "doing" is unnecessary for the lives that we are ultimately trying to live.
In the context of family, as we are coming up on this holiday season, many of us are going to do the role of being the perfect child, the good enough child, or whatever role it is that we have been given within the context of our own family structures. If you are the black sheep, you will act as the black sheep. If you are beloved child, you will act as the beloved child. If it is an expectation for you to honor your parents with your entire being by denying some of the stuff of who you are and pretending to be a little more quiet, when you’re actually a lot more boisterous. This performance is still a performance, which means you are not being. You are not being you, you're not just showing up and letting that be enough, you are putting on a performance in order to please the people around you. And this is something we do constantly and consistently especially when we're talking about romantic partners.
The problem is that the way you show up is the way people expect you to continue, keeping that same energy. But often times we are unable to keep that same energy because we are exhausted by the performance. We are wearing a full body armor holding up a mask, pretending to be something that we are not and this is the essence of doing, it is exhausting because you never get to just be. And that is why I am constantly telling the difference between being and doing and hoping that we get more people to learn to just be.
What can you do to start Being?
1. Be honest with yourself about what you like and don’t like.
One of the most important things you can do to start being, is to really sit down and evaluate what you like and don’t like. That can be in regard to relationships, work, eating, going out, everything! Once you’re honest with yourself about this, you’ll realize that anytime you find yourself partaking in any of it - you’re doing. You’re putting on a performance to appease those around you.
For example, if you don’t like going to the club the next time your girlfriend asks you to go, say no! Be honest with her and explain why you don’t enjoy it. Don’t say yes and put on a fake smile all night - because it’s not genuine and you’re exhausting yourself for no reason trying to be the party girl you think your friend wants!
2.Pay attention to your body, how does your body feel in various situations or with certain people.
Your body knows you! Start paying attention to those “weird feelings” you experience in certain situations or around certain people. If something doesn’t feel right, honor you, it might be time to make adjustments or move on from it. Sometimes it can be hard to mentally pick out what we like and don’t like, BUT if we are paying attention to our bodies, they can tell you.
Are there any aspects of your life in which you feel you doing or performing, rather than just being? Share in the comments below.